I've read Fiza blog and I felt woozy now...Strange but why...I read how her father died...It's kinda sad.I guess I felt woozy coz I too lost a dad but not in the same case with Fiza....According to my family's account:
It was my 1st birthday.We had small party for me.All my relatives came.I wore a nice pretty dress with a blue princess crown hat.My 1st birthday celebration is in conjunction with my "cukur rambut" ceremony..It's some traditional malay ceremony...From the photos,I look happy.Many took turns to carry me for I am the V.I.P...the princess of the day....But no photos of me and my dad.No story about how happy my dad was for me.Was he happy for me or did my family just left that part to be unheard of?I don't know.And I kinda don't bother.I'm somehow numb that he was never there for me, for the 17 years of my growing years, so what happened when I'm 1 with or without him is nothing to me.A few weeks later,my dad disappeared and never came back.Never to see me in my dresses anymore.Never to hear my first words.Never to see me cry when I'm injured.Never to see enrol in school.Never to see me get my first test paper back.Never to be there to hear my problems in school.Nevr to know if I was ever bullied in school.Never to be proud of me for my achievements in school.Never to console me when I didn't do well for any of my tests.Nevr there to collect my PSLE results with me.Never there to shower me with praises for doing well in my PSLE.Never there to share my joy.Never there when I embarked my learning journey to secondary school.Never there to know that I've made it to the express stream.Never to know that how my mum struggle to keep me in school.Never to know how much financial difficulties we had to face.Never to know how much trouble we had to seek financial help.Never to know how I kept myself in the top class for all the 4 years in secondary school.Nevr to know how I did for my O-level.Never knowing that I did well enough to enter a JC.Never to know how much I struggle in JC.Never to know that I was admitted to hospital twice within a month.Neve to know that I've got diabetes,only aware of it prior to my stay in the hospital.Never to know I was asked to take a year more to complete my A-level.Never to know the roller-coaster ride of emotions i had.Never to know the friends I made all this year.Never to know how many friends have helped me along the way so as to keep me sane.Never to know who my enemies are.Never to know how proud I felt when I was accepted to join the school Opening Ceremony.Never to watch me perform on stage.Never there to feel my exuberation.Never there to feel my sorrow.Never there when I'm facing emotional and financial plight day in and day out.He;s just never there.For 17 years of my life....going to 18...the only year I had with him was nothing.Such a faraway distant memory.One that is so locked inside that I don't remember it at all.I don't remember his face,his touch,his voice....But I'm ok.Like I said,I'm numb by his absence.Instead I have a family who truly loves me..I have friends whom I know will always be there for me....But yet I can't deny i still longed for a family.With Dad,Mom and siblings...When I heard of the new that he's still alive but in a bad state..I felt confused.Am I supposed to be glad that he's still alive..Am i supposed to be worried that he's in bad condition..He is after all my dad.But a side of me says why should i care?He was never there....He's not even in Singapore....Things will never change....I did lost my dad.....
Hanim