Don't hate me coz I'm an emotional basketcase

I have high hopes in life...I guess it's because of the surrounding and situation that i live in that make me think this way....

Since young I know I have to get into Uni and as some of you may have known...I'm somehow fearing it now...and it's killing me coz here I am living my dream however I feel so sucky that I'm afraid I may just not do well...every night and every waking morning I have...i pray that this feeling will go away and that I will do well so that I'll soon get my degree...But I can tell you this...this journey gonna be one bumpy road

Ever since I was younger too,I keep telling myself that if my Grandma were to passed on,I'll follow her too....Clearly that was 7 year old Siti talking then and as I grew up...I know that's just plain stupid...I miss her terribly....Yesterday I cried the whole night for her...it's her 2 month anniversary today....I really wish I can grieve for her properly and get on with my life...coz I knwo that would be what she wants me to do....But I felt I was never given a chance...In front of people...I always have to be strong...one reason I have to be strong for my mum's and grandpa's sake... so Ill put on the "I'm strong facade...don't worry about me" but truth to be told...i just want to break down...have you seen in the movie how one would just break down and have people around her to console her scene...i want to be that girl....I just want to break down....I can't take this bullshit about being strong anymore....Can I just for once be weak for the moment....

I guess some of you misght wonder why I can't let it go....reason being is that I can't accept the fact that I didn't say proper goodbye to her...i wanted to be by her deathbed...And ever since she came back home from the hospital,i've been by her side all the time...i even slept outside on the chair just to be by her side...but on that night that she passed away...apparently i was so beat up that i slept in my room...I didn;t even wake up for her night feeding time...and when I finally wake up...she's gone...just like that...For someone who practically grew up with her grandma...that was a very huge blow to me....I sometimes blame myself for not being by her side that night....No one can imagine the pain I have inside....

Ya Allah...kau cucuri lah roh Nenek ku....



And of course since we are kids...I guess all girls do dream of their prince charming(blame Cinderella and Snow White overrated stories)...I do dream of mine and as many of you had known I really want an anak raja....well...of course you guys know I dont literally mean anak raja...it';s just a metaphor for the one true one(insyaAllah)...I wish he does treats me like a pincess...love me for the woman I am...andlove my family however how difficult they may be....Yes I may sometimes makes myself sound like a feminist....but please don't associate myself with those bra-burning feminists....I'm still a woman...who does need her man to take care of me...I've lost the rights to have one man in my life when I'm a kid...but please don';t let that happen again for the rest of my life....you can say I'm worrying for my future...yada yada yada...say what you want but when you grew up without a father figure...you never know how vulnerable one can feel

I guess it's the time of the month again huh.....

Hanim