I am so sorry coz I know I have all of you around me. But I feel alone. I have always feel so. There's so much about me and my life as of this moment that all of you don't know. I really want to tell someone everything,not parts and pieces but everything at one go but I don't know how to. I can't. I remembered talking to my grandma .Slowly but surely, she told me one by one of the secrets she holds, not really so much of herself but of others. I always look at her in awe coz I don't know how one can manage to do that. Hold so much secrets and yet braved this front she had. Little did I knew I was growing up to replace her. To take over her role. But she was a strong woman and I am not. I am weak. I am utterly weak. I cried at night sometimes thinking what it would be tomorrow. I prayed and wished that someway somehow things would be different. But this is my reality and as much as I try to run away from it, it'll come chasing me no matter what. I am alone. Unlike many people, I do not enjoy the liberty of talking to your close ones..mother?father?Who am I to turn to? But I am thankful though I did had one. She was the only one but now she's gone. I remembered I didn't have to tell her anything, I don't even have to breathe one word and yet somehow she knew. She knew the pain coz she recognised it all too well. My grandmother. She was my pillar of strength, my support but now that she's gone.. I really feel like I have no one left to understand. Yes you guys can console me with your words, thank you, really, but I do not need words.I do not need your help either to solve anything coz I know how complicated my problems can be.I guess what I want is that something intangible. I need that assurance she gave me, the gentle feel of her skin,the look in her eyes and the silence. The silence but yet I knew it was going to be ok. That I am not alone. I lost that.
I lost it. I lost my ability to know that its going to be ok, coz nothing is. Nothing really is.
All I want is happiness. Really.. that's all I seek.I am not saying I hadn't had any. When I do have something resembling it, you can see it in my eyes, all I want to do is to hold on to it so that it will linger a little longer. But unfortunately that's about how close I got to it. Happiness will not stay coz I realised I do not have the capacity to make it stay. Nor do I have the ability to. I think I am so used to being fucked up, I elude it unknowingly.Every chance I got to it, I let it slip away. And I accept it. I accept my fate. Coz somewhere still in my heart, I believe that happiness will decide to stay one day. That God will let it reside in my heart one day. And till that day comes, I shall seek solace knowing that I grew up with the best. She had taught me all she can. Whether happiness did come to her, I don't know.But she had trained well and I thanked her for it. All I can ask for now is that God will bestowed upon me at least half the strength she had coz honestly I am running low.
However, even if happiness did not come my way, I hope my life would be like this excerpt.
Just before she took her last breath, it crossed her mind that her own mother must have been a genuine mountain witch as well. Strangely enough, when she died she had a mysteriously naive face with the innocent smile of a newborn baby. Sobbing and clinging to this woman who had died in peace, the daughter, with swollen eyes which told of her indescribable relief and said, "Such a beautiful death mask - Mother you really must have been a happy woman."
I remembered feeling angry after reading this story. I thought how can her daughter not knew how tortured her mother was. But I remembered and recounted how I saw my grandma on her deathbed. She was pure and pristine with a hint of the same naivity on her face. It was not about being a happy woman. Its the knowing that she had done her best and she's happy with that. Yes it was a beautiful death mask coz she knew she had did what she could and it was time to let go,finally. I want that. I want to know that when it's all over, I had done my best. And InsyaAllah, I hope I will. Until then, insyaAllah should He grant me a long fulfilling life, I shall work on it no matter how much I want to give up.
I am weak but I am not broken. Not yet.
Hanim