So with the material aspect of what I wish for plastered in the facebook, here, I shall talked about the usual emo stuff. =) Coz you know how I roll.
I think the past few days left in the Ramadhan make me realised this thing. I am all about the cliches. I think this comes from the need of normalcy. I mean if anyone know me, my life. It's certainly far from any conventions. I am not complaining though. I think fate has their reasons, but cliche..yeah they serve that side of me craving for normalcy. I know, why be normal, it's boring..but being different all the time has its downsides too.
I want the white picket fences. I know this is such an American dream, probably the result of too much American TV(knowing me, we know it is) but why not? I want a house, with a backyard, frontyard, the whole nine yards. But it's not really about wanting a house I guess, I think it's more of having a home. You know a complete family unit. Somewhere I can really say I belong. I am not saying I don't now. But it's kinda tiring sometimes, having to fight your own battle, either within yourself or the tension surrounding you. I just want to be able to fight battles together with someone(s), not against them.
I want the perfect man. I know who is perfect right. Apart from Rasulallah himself, we can never find that insan kamil. But have you heard of the cliche, it's not about finding perfect guy/girl, its about seeing the perfection amidst the imperfection. Yeah snigger all you want. How cliche is that right? But think about it. Look at your partner now, is he/she perfect? You won't really say they aren't coz you know in your eyes, they are perfect, for there are parts of them that complements you and that, by any book, breeds perfection in one way or another. What is my idea of perfection. I can't say. I doubt any of you can say what is it really. You just know it. I know I should just trust in fate and wait. But sometimes it scares me what if that perfection never comes. Or it's just that, why can't the one in front of me now be that.
I want to be that size S. But even I know this is not possible. But I think that's my point- cliche. However I think for this, it's also really not about a specific size. But just the need to be seen as normal. I don't need the stares, I don't need the whispers or the direct insults. Why can't I just be me? I know some say it out of love, for my health and my wellbeing. And I get it, I am trying to tell myself the same thing. But sometimes society makes it so wrong to be bigger, who are we kidding, it's never really about being healthy, it's about blending in and looking good. And till then, I am trapped. I know I can do something about it. And trust me, I am trying. But with every attempt, there comes the risk of failure. And I am all too familiar with that.
There's so much more to write, but I think I did enough emo-ing for the night. The sun seems to be rising soon and I should try to sleep.
I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way. They are afterall called cliches. But do understand that I am not writing here to seek any sympathy or concern. I write just because... and nothing more than that. So let's just leave it so. I am still sure I am pretty happy as I have said in the previous post. Those little pockets of happiness has truly been god-sent. But as I said, I falter occasionally. So let me be that human that I am , coz who are we really if we don't learn how to feel.
Hanim