OK now I feel like such a bad daughter....
I had a rude awakening just now. You see...My mum has a severe case of varicose ulcer..let's just say it looks like she has two big holes in both legs. It was getting better once upon a time but it got worst again. Her condition fluctuates. But of lately it is getting worst. I had no idea how bad it was getting because she always changed her dressing in the toilet or that when she showed it to the doctor,either I'm not there or I wasn't looking. But just now, while she was changing her dressing at the bed and complaining of many pains, she pulled me to look at her leg and astaghfirullah...the wound got so big, it covered almost 60-70% of her ankle, on both legs! I feel so so bad. For being distant from her when she complain of pains. For not hearing her cry of pains. For not being able to make her go hospital coz she's scared of the cost,the treatement and closing/foregoing the stall since I have not yet graduated. My mom is sacrificing her health just because of me...Astaghfirullah.And prior to this incident, she did complained to me how yesterday she dreamt she was in all-white garment, floating above her body and both her legs were gone, amputated. As usual I dismiss it and told her not to think too much, it is afterall just a dream, permainan tidur...but given the condition she is in now, I get it why she is so worried. Ya Allah, kenapa la dia diuji begini sekali. Kenapa dia terseksa begitu sekali. Berikan dia kekuatan Ya Allah, berikan dia keberkataanmu. Ringankan la sakit dia, Sembuhkan la kakinya. My heart is aching so bad now, Allah saja yang tahu how bad I feel. I made a promise to her that come July, when I am "working" and getting paid, she can choose to close and forego the shop and go for treatment.I want her to go for treatment! Please God, make July come fast, make nothing go wrong within these few months and make her strong enough to go all through this.
Please.
I know blogging doesnt help much but I guess this is just the release I need now.So bear with me with this post.
Hanim