Does your blog has an archive? If it does, have you read your old posts?
Whenever I read my old post, I cringe. Badly. There's still semblance of the younger teenager Siti with who I am now, but in many ways, I've changed. Coz circumstances have. The younger Siti tries to find drama in everything. You know you've been through that period too , when you feel everything is against you. You have much angst and uncertainties. You thought you knew but really you had no clue yet. Now, the Siti that I am finds drama haunting my everything. The reverse has happen. Drama now comes looking for you as you get older. I told Pipi that day, that life is going to be much much harder when you grow up. A bit harsh to say this to a 16 year old who has his whole life ahead of him but I feel like its an obligation to tell him as it is. I think when we were younger, we were blinded with what we saw of the adults out there. What we saw was the freedom, the power and the ability to do anything as they please. What we forget to see is the added responsibility, the maturity needed and the endless need to be the best. Best in job, best at home, best in parenting, best in being a wholesome individual. Coz this is all so important in building up not only yourself but those around you, those who matters. So pardon me while I give him the reality check. I think it's much needed coz no one told me back then that life was gonna get harder from then on forth. There was so much I didn't know.
The younger Siti was also this hopeful girl who wants to find love. Now, while I still do, honestly I am a bit jaded already. What is love anyway? I used to think that I need someone, the "other half" as people would call it to validate who I am, coz I've seen how my friends do it sometimes. But now, nay... I have learnt that it is me who validate myself. I need me. And if I can't be happy with myself, what makes me think I will be happy with another in the equation. I am happy with myself now. I am happy with who I've became. It took a lot but I think I am happy. But of course I am still very much a working progress. Everyday is a struggle, everyday has its battlefield, but I am thanking God everyday for who He has made me into. And should He bless me with someone in the future, I shall just wait patiently and continue being who I am. InsyaAllah.
The younger me would also be very bothered with what people think of me. Of course I am not saying I have changed much in this area from what we have saw in my last outburst. But honestly, there is still quite a change. I think I have grown into a more confident person. Not that I wasn't before. God no..I think you guys can validate that for me. But what I am trying to say is that, there are things that wouldn't bother me much today than it would years ago. I think it comes with growing up. The plus side of growing up. It's when you developed yourself into this person who you really are. I think everyone will reach this stage once you get older, but what differentiates some of us is really what you want to make it out to be. In a way, it's how you embraced this new found identity. If you are in your teenagehood when you read this and fretting over finding yourself. Don't worry. Finding yourself is not something you actually decide to go and look for it. It's the process of growing up by itself. Don't hurry it coz it will come, trust me. Enjoy what you have now. Enjoy every journey. It may seems hard now, but you will know you have reached somewhere in time. So don't fret about it.
I think I laughed myself silly today reading my archives. From problems with friends to boy problems to just my own personal mental problems. And I am glad I have sorted it out. There are things that I regretted and there are things I am glad I have done. Either way, the journey has been exciting and with my time as a student and a pampered child of my mother coming to an end soon, I am awaiting in excitement for what the future has in store for me. I know it will get harder and I know happiness will still be a struggle from day to day but I hope, one day, like how I did today, I can look back and say I did it and boy was that a journey to be remembered always.
So have you read your archives? It might amazed you with how much you have changed. In a good way , I hope.
Hanim